[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.