*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]