we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*seductively corrects your posture*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails