My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology