paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I鈥檓 prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you鈥檙e gonna find another rug under there.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll鈥檚 riddle being played in reverse
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I can鈥檛 believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it鈥檚 a public beach
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You can鈥檛 fix everything, you鈥檙e not a giant asteroid.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
it鈥檚 amazing when it鈥檚 ur birthday 馃檪 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I ain鈥檛 afraid of no ghost, but I鈥檓 also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!