I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.