I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.