I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
You Might Also Like
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper