Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met