Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Don’t we all.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.