[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Guantanamo Bae
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming