ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*