Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.