“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.