Venn
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
But that’s none of my business
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this