“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile