You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.