i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Never mess with a drunken pig.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Name this drama.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.