Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
calling in to work dehydrated
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home