if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”