WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.