We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
How do you like your Corgi?
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”