Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
tourist season