HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
These work great until they don’t.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.