I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
can’t catch a break
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*