Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I love you…
…r dog.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin