Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time