Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Meowchelangelo
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.