I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
You Might Also Like
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea