30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
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Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”