On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
They got Raph!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what