Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.