[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.