Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me trying to reach for my goals
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?