Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.