Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
You Might Also Like
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
fixed it
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
yeah no that’s fair
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.