[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
That time Alicia messaged me
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks