I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
That time Alicia messaged me
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case