Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.