a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??