the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You Might Also Like
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
This guy gets it.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies