[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.