My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You Might Also Like
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps