Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
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My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
inside you are two wolves
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Only short people can save us
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.