Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂