jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.