them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.