*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
nobody’s gonna understand
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
#DesignFail
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?