I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?