My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You wish you had this many chins.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Room with a view.
Twitter is an abusement park.